Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
