I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
