my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
