I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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