I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
