you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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