When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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