Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
