Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
