woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
