So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
she told me i tasted like america
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
