white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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