how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Randomize
