Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
