Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
