Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
