She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
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