my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
