I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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