U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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