I wish my penis had an off switch
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
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