it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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