I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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