Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
