So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
