I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
