You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
