Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
