hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
