I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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