Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
