sarcasm needs its own font
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
