feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
