All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
