when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
