my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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