I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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