I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
