k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
