Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
