my room smells like sperm. sweet.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
