They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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