I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
