Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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