A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
