I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
