I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
