I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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