So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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