There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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